STORIES

Jimmy and the Teacher

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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A blonde, A redhead, and A brunette

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.

The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.

The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

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Bride and Husband

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.

Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.

So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.

The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

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The Blonde and the paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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Two blondes fell down a hole.

Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

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A family at the dinner table

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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Move out of the way

Yo momma's so fat and old when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mother to move out of the way.

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